Over 21: Dec 75

Dear Molly,

Out of Solitary in time for Xmas and wot better treat than your luverly Gift. I ave put it on top of the lace doily you sent last year and it looks a treat. Course they dont let us ave any flowers in ere but I could use it as an ash tray if I ad any smokes. Lots of the Lads get cigs for Xmas and I do feel a bit envious seein them light up but wots left when theyve smoked em eh Molly luv. I could do with a nice bit of soap too which a lot of them get but its not the same as a surprise like wot you give me is it. Maybe I could ave something like that next year though or praps the year after that ...

Dear Gran,

Just a note to thank you ever so much for the pressie. As you say, you simply can't get moustache wax nowadays and yes, I do know what a lucky girl I am. It's ever so kind of you to offer me the spittoon as well but I really think you ought to hang on to that because it must be such a wonderful reminder of dear old Grandad. By the way, Gran, you don't happen to have the stuff he used for getting moustache wax off because I tried a bit on my eyelashes and ...

Dear Grace,

I'm writing in the hope that that AWFUL GPO will sort themselves out and deliver this letter on time and at the right address the way they used to do. I can't forgive them for the way they handled your lovely tea or dinner set after you'd gone to all that trouble putting it in a box and everything. As I said to the postman, you've paid good money for first class china like that and you wouldn't want him to stand there shaking pieces on to the mat. Never mind, a wonderful gift, Grace, whatever it was.

Dear Sandra,

Grateful as I am that you should have remembered your old Dad when you seem to be too busy at that so-called College of yours even to give us a ring from one month's end to the next, I wish you hadn't dug into the Grant you're always complaining about to buy that tie. Certainly it's in my old Regimental Colours, which proves you must have spared me a bit of your valuable attention when I was telling you about the War that made this country safe for you to have a proper education at Government expense, but they're not in the right order and Thank God for that when I look at the so-called Motif. I will certainly not be wearing that tie to Ladies' Night at the Old Comrades ...

Dere Arnty June,

Thank yew very much for mi present.

Dad has bilt a caige for him in the gardin but he has puld it down twice and got up on the roof. He is much bigger than the wun I showd you in mi picksher book and he can be very ruff. He as done in all mi dollies and I ave to sit in the lav if I've got sum sweets. Cud yew cum and take him out for the weekend sumtimes? I know hed like that and it wud stop him pushing me about. Dad sez yew should be prosercuted. What's that?

Dear Margaret,

Arthur is a bit too weak to write to you himself and quite honestly I don't think he is going to get any better so he has asked me to take up my pen to thank you. As you know he has always wanted his own skis and as far as I can tell he was delighted that he wouldn't have to hire if he were able to go to the slopes this year. As it is, I've just stood them in the comer of the room where he could see them if only he could turn his head.

My Dear M'Bongo,

Of course my wife and I remember you extremely well. We shall not quickly forget your commendable conduct in the incident with the rhinoceros and should we hear of a position over here requiring a strong arm and fleetness of foot we shall certainly let you know. In the meantime I am enclosing the Situations Vacant column from the London Times in case you should spot anything else that might suit. More importantly we must thank you at once for your kind gift. My wife, as you may recall, wears little jewellery and ornamentation of the nose is not common in this country, although I understand that piercing of the ears does take place. I think she may find far more use for the magnificent tusk ...

Dear Nigel,

I write to express the delight of your mother and myself that you should have thought of us so generously in this Christmas season. We both feel appreciative that you think we're a bit younger than we are. There were days of course when Mother and I would have danced the night away to just the sort of contraption you have sent us - a "juke-box" is it? one loses touch so quickly down here in the country - but nowadays, alas, we rarely hear music except for the excellent programmes on Radio 4.

At any rate your Mother has protected it by making a nice, loose cover and we both feel most grateful that you should have remembered us after these years ...

Dear Uncle Bob,

Thank you very much, as usual, for this year's colouring book although no doubt you winced as I did at the way the price of this kind of commodity has increased over the years. I don't think you're aware that I'm now in my second year at the London School of Economics, although I believe I pointed that out to you when you sent me that very nice satchel the year before last. My sister Irene has just been made a Headmistress of her Comprehensive but I'm sure she'll find time to write to thank you for her pencil-box ...

· . . and needless to say, I'm sure we'll find somewhere suitable to put it eventually. At the moment it's standing against the side of the house where it just fits under the eaves so at least it's protected against the weather but it has made the place rather dark on that side and I'm afraid they dislodged some masonry round the top bedroom window when it slipped and flattened the shed. Still, I can understand how excited you were and probably I couldn't have passed it up if I was stuck for ideas for a present.

Dear Pat,

Your gift came in a plain wrapper, just as well cos it put Reg off the scent. It's what I'd call a very personal present, Pat. I mean, I didn't feel I could put it round the tree with the children's things and Reg's surprise for me, which was a new ironing board this year. As a matter of fact I've kept it under lock and key, not wanting the children to come across it and start asking questions. Fancy you having the nerve to go into the shop and ask for it! It'll have to stay out of sight until Reg is on night-shift.

Dear Arnold,

A wonderful surprise, old boy, because of course we weren't expecting anything this year with you stuck up in the Andes and I can imagine how trying it was spending all those days on a lIama only to find the Post Office closed. I think I would have looked about for a hotel or something rather than making the journey all over again. Anyway, we're fascinated by the gift which has become an endless talking point. Goodness knows how they shrink the head so skilfully, the teeth must be a real problem. Wonder what the blighter did by way of a job? Did he have a family? Cynthia gets a bit squeamish about that and makes me keep the thing at the office which has upset the cleaners. I should say he died fairly horribly, judging from his expression ...