Now everyone’s ‘eard of Westminster

Which is famous for ‘ot air and sin

But ‘ere’s what ‘appened to young Albert Prescott

After New Labour got in:

Young Albert ‘ad ‘umble beginnings

A cabin-boy’s bunk was ‘is bed

Back and forth on the cross-Channel ferry

‘E’d dream of the great days ahead –

Of days when all men would be equal

And ‘e’d be the Captain instead.

In them days life weren’t so plain-sailing

For a lad who were born lower-deck.

And ship’s mate, a terrible tyrant,

Would grab him by scruff o’ t’ neck

"Look lively you low-income lubber"

He’d hear this tool of t’management shriek

"Bad wages and little advancement

Is the lot of the poor and the weak."

" ‘ecky thump’ then thought young Albert

(In dialect, for posh talk were never ‘is thing)

"I’m boogered if that can be right

Fair do’s for all is more like it –

I’m joining Red Revolution tonight."

He sent off for appropriate papers

In pencil wi’tongue sticking out,

Which was more than sufficient credentials

When all this Oxbridge stuff counted for nowt.

In them days the Red Revolution

‘Ad no place for tycoon or toff

An’ them what sounded their aitches

Would right rapid be told to bog off.

So on payment of proper subscription,

Ten bob then or theer-a-abouts

Young Albert was ready to rumble

And sling all the rich boogers out.

Apart from Captain of ferry

He’d a list of all those for the chop

Like them who owned their own houses

An’ got unlimited tick from posh shop.

His eyes would go very beady

At sight of those he thought overfed

Men wi’ bellies too big for their trousers

And faces all puffy and red.

"Do you good" you could hear Albert mutter

"To shift a bit o’that lard."

‘E was specially ‘ard on car-owners,

Convinced that they’d got ‘em by fraud.

"Same sort" ‘e’d say, "looks down on Skeggy

And takes all their vacations abroad."

Well, by now you’ll be getting a notion

Of Albert’s political stance.

So let’s fast-forward to Westminster

To see how ‘is cause was advanced.

Let’s ‘ave a look at the picture

Take ‘is book, so to say, from the shelf

Where we’ll see that in battle for justice

Albert’s done all right for ‘isself.

Far from ‘is bunk on the ferry

"E’s got an apartment in Admiralty Arch

No rent ‘cos it’s let grace and favour –

That’s ‘fair do’s’ for all on t’march!

Here he’s spent thirteen thou on new carpet

No vinyl or lino or tat

All paid for by taxpayers’ money

And you can ‘ardly get fairer than that!

His real home, oop North’s, like a castle

Wi’ acres of land all around

Though elsewhere ‘e’s planned thousands of ‘ouses

Where all common folk can be found.

The selfsame poor ‘uddled masses

E’s determined to turf from their cars

And shoehorn into public transport

Crammed into buses like jamjars.

Our Albert, meanwhile’s done a U-turn

On those who own motor-cars

Like Albert isself, for example

Who’s got not one, but two JAG –U- ARS!

Now plump and red-faced and important

He’s chauffered all over t’ land.

By some extraordinary metamorphosis

He’s become the kind of fat-cat he can’t stand!